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If you stalk me and stalk me well, you probably read and then, couldn't find, a blog post I wrote today. Sometimes I get bold and then shy again--just like my little one presses her head against my leg, peers out from the fabric, and then buries her head again. I sometimes feel too vulnerable here, even I though know and love so many of you internet people. Today, 17 minutes after I published the post, I unpublished--or whatever the Blogger term may be--it.
Why?
I don't know. Sometimes I get self-conscious. Sometimes I wonder if I have some other idea of how my writing may be perceived, and then never know that eye-rolling that may occur on the other side of the screen when someone reads my words. If it could exist, this would be a fat day for my writing. The words don't fit and looked better when I put them on this morning. Now, it's all in the blaring sunlight with pet hair clinging to it and totally wrong.
My very own Amy Poehler, Nicki, used to make me laugh in high school with a hilarious act of a painfully shy girl. Sophomore lunch always seemed to drag on a little too long, and actually doing our homework was always out of the question. Thus, the introduction of various characters whom Nicki would act out, like this one, simply called, "Shy Girl." Nicki would assume the character, and we would all take turns berating "her" because she was too scared to speak directly at a person...she would instead whisper into the ear of the person next to her, who would then relay the message.
The truly funny part (I know, you're probably wondering what that would actually be) was that "Shy Girl" had some great comebacks to our berating, and our act would end quickly after someone broke character and laughed. I don't know if that translated well to you or even sounds entertaining, but 'tis the humor of high school girls.
The truth of the matter is that we're all some sort of version of Shy Girl. We stick our head in the sand when confrontation comes calling...or even *gasp* God's will. Nicki and I connected right before our high school reunion when I emailed to tell her I couldn't be there, and of course, Shy Girl was mentioned. What would Shy Girl have grown up do with her life?
Would she be tucked back in a cubicle in a large office building doing meaningless work?
Would she have finally found her voice and be anchoring the evening news?
Would she have enough courage to attend the high school reunion?
Would she finally have gotten over our criticism and become who she was supposed to be?
I'm hoping tomorrow will bring something new--new courage and the consistent mantra of "this is not a rough draft," because, as you know, life isn't. How much happier and content would we be if we threw insecurity to the wind and embraced today just as it is--with no regrets? How much better would we feel understanding that not everyone is going to like us or what we do--even for those things we know we're called by God to do?
Would you be a better version of yourself if you knew only one Person's opinion mattered, and you truly, unabashedly, believed that?
Would you?
2 comments:
Sometimes, posting the real on my blog is really hard. I'm always asking Pete to read it/check it and tell me if it was okay. I never quite know what "okay" means, just that I put my heart out there, and I'm a little afraid of how it will be treated. We have a philosophy about the blog, though, that it's a ministry God has given me. My desire is that anyone who is touched by what I write or share will be touched not because I was trying to touch them, but rather because I was just being me and God reached out to them through the part of me that I shared.
Sometimes, I think God works most through our vulnerability, the weak places we're afraid to show the world - I think it's there that His work can most clearly be seen, especially when others who have that same weak place see Him strong in our vulnerability. I'm not sure how this works, but I know it's His work.
Anyway - sorry for the book, I just wanted to take time and literally encourage (offer you courage) you to be unafraid to offer your heart. It's still safe in His hand... :-)
I didn't see your original post, but I absolutely know what you mean.
I strive to be authentic on my blog (and really, with an autistic child, do I have any other choice?), but I often worry what others are thinking. I think that is only natural and certainly the way many of us girls were raised.
I love your blog for being what it is. So be yourself. Be confident of your posts. I promise to keep reading.
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